Overwhelmed by Words

Monday 8th April 2024, 2869 words written (946 added to With Everything I Know, 1300 added to You Can See the End of the World From Here, 623 words added across three short stories), 0 new rejections, 1 new agent query, 0 competitions entered, reading Trio by William Boyd (fantastic already) and re-paused Bel Canto by Ann Patchett (not the right time?), 0 new book purchases, 2 coffees, 1 lemon and ginger tea, and some nuts

This weekend I visited my family in Lincolnshire and put my writing jobs to one side. I managed an hour on Friday evening looking over notes and planning but other than that I relaxed. When I returned to my desk this morning, I had lost the focus I had built on Thursday when I wrote all the words mentioned above. Over the weekend, I also received feedback on my novel – You Can See the End of the World From Here – from Retreat West. When entering their competition, for an additional fee, you can opt to receive editorial feedback on your opening chapter. An editor’s thoughts were waiting for me when I woke up this morning.

More on the feedback later, but first, a little about how receiving impersonal feedback feels. The overwhelming sensation that initially passed over me was futility. This journey to publication I have embarked on feels futile, bordering on foolish. That sensation stopped me in my tracks and has meant an unproductive day for me. The editor’s comments were wholly valid and were similar to many of the conclusions I came to following my recent reading of Save the Cat. I need time to digest each suggestion and then I will improve my manuscript again.

Again. This is the reason this journey can be so disheartening: the repetitive nature of the ‘game’. Returning to this novel, already on draft 14, feels like travelling backwards. As I resist the urge to start on the next project, and try (fruitlessly) to address the issues with my already aging novel, I am questioning if I want to. Can I make this novel something an agent will want or am I flogging a dead horse? I am guessing this is the point at which some writers give up. Literary agent, Joanna Swainson, said to me (when she rejected this novel (and my second submission to her) two years ago…

I think you write well and am really pleased to see you’re persevering (which has a lot to do with authors getting a deal) but if anything the market’s got even tougher since the last time, with publishers becoming somewhat more cautious over the last couple of years, and I’m having to be super picky. 

Rejection email 12.4.22

I have kept going. I have kept writing but this morning I did question why I dedicate so much of my time to this. I do little else. Last week I read Gillian Harvey‘s Under the Covers article in the February edition of Writing Magazine. She mused on ‘tales about writerly woe’ and stated, ‘the heart wants what it wants. And mine, it seems, wants validation and reassurance.’ It seems all authors, even the published variety, are still seeking something. Whatever goal you have reached, your consciousness moves the post as you pass it: full manuscript request, publishing deal, commercial success, critical acclaim, film rights…the list goes on. According to The Stress Experts, wanting more is a good thing…as long as we keep our eyes on our own path and don’t make comparisons to other’s journeys (easier said than done with social media reminding you of everyone else’s successes).

So the editor’s feedback proved You Can See the End of the World From Here is not ready. It is not yet good enough for publication. I was right not to self-publish. But when will it ever be ready? Will I be able to achieve this goal working alone? How do I overcome the obstacles in my way, when I am potentially the obstacle? I don’t think I am striving for perfection but it does seem that most agents are not seeing enough potential in my work. I am aiming for ‘healthy striving‘ rather than perfectionism.

Perfectionism
Setting standards beyond reach and reason
Never being satisfied by anything less than perfection
Becoming depressed when faced with failure or disappointment
Being preoccupied with fears of failure and disapproval
Seeing mistakes as evidence of unworthiness
Becoming overly defensive when criticized

Healthy Striving
Setting standards that are high but within reach
Enjoying process as well as outcome
Bouncing back quickly from failure or disappointment
Keeping normal anxiety and fear of failure within bounds
Seeing mistakes as opportunities for growth and learning
Reacting positively to helpful criticism

https://cmhc.utexas.edu/perfectionism

I am succeeding at this. I recognise the feedback I received from Retreat West as helpful criticism. In fact the 1300 words I wrote this week, adding a new opening and a new ending to You Can See the End of the World From Here, has already gone some way to correcting the issues. At my brother’s house at the weekend, I saw his latest read, How Spies Think: Ten Lessons in Intelligence. It uses the training of British intelligence agencies to help you make effective life decisions. Maybe I need to go a little James Bond and make this my next non-fiction listen so that my journey towards publication becomes a reality.

Continuing along the healthy striving path, I will try to bounce back by focussing my energy on my short stories for competitions; hopefully fresh words and new plots will entice me back into writer mode. In the meantime the feedback can brew a little, and blend with my new opening and ending, until I am ready to recommit to this novel.

Kate